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kingsimon254

I am seated at those nice neo-restaurants you find

I am seated at those nice neo-restaurants you find in the nicer side of town. The ones with interiors that leave you in awe. The ones that tempt you to pull your phone out and Snapchat it like a slayq... Never mind.
.

A friend is turning 20. I feel old and young at the same time. Old because they were just teens last year, and I left teenhood before social media 'influencing' was a career.
And young because we share a lot in common despite them being typically teens. .

I am the oldest in the table and you can tell just by looking. They’re in sweatpants and fancy Jordans and I’m in a khakis and those shoes you see there. As they drink cold sweaty milkshakes at 11pm, I’m cuddled up, freezing, sipping latte with my palms around the hot cup. The age difference hangs in the air like a fart. .

When one of the girls tells me she loves my shoes, though, my heart melts and I feel fully young now. I want to joke, "Do you know what they say about men with big feet?" But if you do that these days, they sue or go to HR. Or both. .

So instead I ask her, "Do you love the balls on my socks?"

When I was kid my mom used to tell me that every t

When I was kid my mom used to tell me that every time I’d lie to her, the word ‘lies’ would be scribbled across my forehead. She said it was God’s way of telling moms when their kid was lying. I believed it. .

I didn’t lie much because of it and whenever I did she’d get me because I couldn’t sell it, I believed she saw the ‘Lie’ on my head as I said it. It bothered me so much I’d look myself in the mirror and lie to myself and observe to see if it really worked. It would go like this.
.
“Simon, you won’t eat supper today.” .

No writing on my head. .
“Simon, tomorrow you’ll talk to Joy.” Nothing.

Recently, I drank this mug of Senator and wondered if God had updated the app (as an adult, I think of it as an app) that used to tell my mom whenever I’d lie. If He did, it would mean that now she sees ‘Drunk’ scribbled across my forehead whenever I stumble home tipsy as a fish, or ‘High’ whenever I burn hemp.

It’s just the other day that I remembered this and realized that it was all reverse psychology. There was no app, no scribbles, just my foolish ass being pranked over and over. So next time you’re having a baby, here’s a trick from #simonsparenting101ForDummies

This song is about a woman who’s bothering Tom (

This song is about a woman who’s bothering Tom (Odell) with that damn question, “What are we?” And for some reason, they ask this during post-coital pillow talk sessions.

Tom is having none of it. She’s telling her what we all tell our women when we find ourselves in this situation. Does it matter really? Things are good. We’re happy. So why should we ruin this lovely moment with such tough questions? The truth is that I want you right now. And now is all that matters, donge gentlemen?
#thegaps

When I listen to The Weeknd, everything else in th

When I listen to The Weeknd, everything else in the world ceases to exist and it’s just me and his enchanting voice. I am taken to a sunken place of sorts. One that’s filled with money, models and hard drugs. .

I close my eyes and find myself in a million-dollar loft with naked supermodels on a queen-size bed, begging me to get in for another round. There’s an untouched line of cocaine on the nightstand and empty bottles of Perignon strewn everywhere across the room. Wine glasses on the floor have lipstick smudged on them. .

The room is dim and is only illuminated by gorgeous city lights. Mellow music plays softly from a wireless speaker. Me, I’m at the balcony gazing down at the lifeless streets below us with an unlit cigarette absentmindedly dangling from my fingers. I am in nothing but Tommy Hilfiger boxers. .

A skinny model comes and playfully tries to drag me towards the bed. I can tell she’s high from how she slurs her words and her unnecessary glee. The untouched line on the nightstand is not there anymore. I tell her to give me a few minutes then I’ll join them in bed. .

I used this photo because after much soul searching, I came to a conclusion that it is his best work. Nothing you can say can change my mind. Especially if you listen to that Tekashi boy with an atrocious voice. Anyway, have a lovely night, my good people.

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